


loving you whether whether

by t_fic (topaz), topaz, topaz119 (topaz)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Relationship Discussions, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 21:10:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5220944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/topaz/pseuds/t_fic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/topaz/pseuds/topaz, https://archiveofourown.org/users/topaz/pseuds/topaz119
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The good thing was that Falcon finally woke up and smelled the coffee. The bad thing was that it took a gunshot wound to the abdomen, emergency surgery, a week in the ICU, and Darcy not sleeping through it all to get there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The good thing was that Falcon finally woke up and smelled the coffee. The bad thing was that it took a gunshot wound to the abdomen, emergency surgery, a week in the ICU, and Darcy not sleeping through it all to get there. 

_Still_ , Darcy thought, looking at where her hand was all but lost inside one of Sam’s and how he wasn’t letting go even though he was out cold from the pain meds, _glass half-full and all that_. She could still feel where he’d pressed a kiss to the back of her fingers, too. She might look like the proverbial ghost in the machine (she was under no illusions as to what no makeup, sketchy showers and no sleep did to her complexion, and ‘washed out’ was way too nice of a way to describe it no matter how diplomatic Steve had been trying to be) but Darcy had somehow gotten her man. 

Of course, like so many other things in life, getting and keeping were entirely different stories, Darcy reminded herself. This time was going to be different, though. Totally, totally different.

x - x - x - x

“Don’t get me wrong,” Darcy said, the words tumbling out of her mouth as she tried to divert the conversational disaster she could see bearing down on her, the one where they were going to talk about sexual likes and dislikes and favorite positions and yeah, no, like there was any way that was going to end well. “I _like_ sex, and you know, just with me, or, or, with electronics, I’m good, but--” Sam had that look, the one that said he was ready to start hunting things down, so clearly, Darcy wasn’t getting her point across. She put one hand on his arm. “Okay, no, look, what I’m trying to say is that I’m good with sex, I’m just not sure sex is good with me. Or that I’m much good _at_ it, judging from a couple of comments I’ve received.” 

And okay, wow, _wrong_ thing to say, judging from how rock hard his arm went under her hand.

“Wait, no, I mean--”

“Breathe,” Sam said, and that right there, that voice, the calm, supportive, I’ve-got-your-back one, was probably the gateway drug that had gotten them here, because Darcy _loved_ that voice and didn’t see any way she could have resisted it. 

“Breathing,” she answered and he kind of gathered her in and she could admit that she let him. He was breathing along with her, and even if it might just have been his pararescue training kicking in, so that he was breathing to match hers and slow it, she kinda thought it was more that he was calming himself, too.

“Okay,” Sam said after a seriously awesome bit of snuggling disguised as breathing exercises. “I was mostly just asking because it’s going to be at least a month before the docs clear me for anything, uh, strenuous…?” His voice trailed off and Darcy smiled against the curve of his neck. “Strenuous,” he said, more firmly this time, “like sex with all the bells and whistles, and I, uh, was hoping I could figure out a couple of things that weren’t strictly Tab-A/Slot-B, stuff that you liked, you know, so you wouldn’t dump my stupid ass for chasing that AIM stooge into the alley and getting myself shot.”

“Hey,” Darcy said, lifting her head and mock-glaring at him. “I don’t know what kind of people you’ve been dating, but I am not that shallow.”

“No, no,” Sam said, backpedaling like life depended on it. “Not at what I meant for that to sound like.” Darcy _hmphed_ but let him off the hook with a roll of her eyes and he relaxed again. “Yeah, so I was hoping for some pointers, but I’m thinking there’s maybe a little bit more ground to cover.” 

Darcy sighed. “It’s… fine. We can talk, I guess.”

“Whoa, whoa, reign in the enthusiasm, girl.”

“It’s not my favorite thing to talk about,” Darcy muttered, staring down at her lap. “Like, not at _all_.”

“Okay.” Sam drew the word out, and there was that voice again. “Is that because of… any specific thing?” Darcy jerked her head up and Sam hurried on, “It’s fine if you don’t want to go into details--”

“ _No_ ,” Darcy said, finally understanding what he was dancing around. “Nothing bad, swear.” She kissed him on the mouth, twice, because he really was such a good guy. 

“I just…” she sighed, and then closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to look at him while she said, “I like the idea of it, but then it’s…” She sighed again. “It’s never as much fun as I think it’s going to be.” 

“It’s never as much fun as you think it’s going to be, or it’s never as much fun as your partner thinks it should be?” Sam asked, and Darcy jerked her head up and stared at him.

“You are very freaky when you do that deep stuff, you know that, right?”

Sam shrugged. “You said you liked sex and you were good with electronics, I was just taking that to the logical conclusion.”

Darcy went back to staring at her hands, but she was thinking about what he’d said. “I don’t know,” she said slowly. “I think it’s more that it just takes me forever to get anywhere, and that’s not a lot of fun for, y’know, whoever I’m with.” Sam was tensing up ever-so-slightly, but Darcy plowed ahead because dammit, he was the one who’d wanted to have this stupid conversation in the first place, and now that it was happening, she wasn’t having it again. “I mean, I’m pretty slow when I’m--when it’s just me, too,” and ohmygod, if her face got any hotter, she was pretty sure there’d be flames. She looked up again, though, flipping her hair out of her face and meeting Sam’s eyes. “So, yeah, that’s me and sex.”

“Okay,” Sam answered, all calm and easy, like Darcy hadn’t just admitted to being a dead loss in bed. He reached out and when she gave him her hand, he took it and pressed a kiss to her palm. “Thank you.”

“For _what_?” Darcy was getting shrill, but she was a half a second from totally losing it, so getting a little pitchy was probably the least of her worries.

“For talking to me,” Sam said. He reached over with his free hand and tucked her hair behind her ear. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m big on talking.”

“I did,” Darcy choked out. His hand tightened on hers and she hung on to him for a couple of seconds until she could get her act together enough to add, “I think I like it better when it’s Steve you’ve given the talking stick to, though.”

“My love of the spoken word is big enough for the both of you,” Sam said, his mouth curving up into that sweet half-smile that Darcy had been crushing on right from the first time he’d wandered into Jane’s lab, poking gently at Captain America. “I’m sorry I ended up blindsiding you with this,” he said, getting serious again, “but I’m not sorry I understand better.”

Darcy waited for the other shoe to drop, for the part where he understood, but didn’t think anything between them was going to work, but he just kept holding her hand, his thumb sweeping over her knuckles, and she gradually relaxed into the quiet. 

“So,” she said a little while later, “I think my answer to your non-Tab A/Slot B dilemma is, um, kissing. And cuddling.”

“Works for me,” Sam said, and let Darcy settle him carefully against her side.


	2. Chapter 2

Darcy tried really hard to be honest with herself. She was smart, but not a genius; she’d accepted her figure and hair, the good and the bad. She could be a little more motivated sometimes, and she knew her mouth ran away from her more than was probably wise. She was trying hard to think of the people around her and grow out of the self-centered attitude of her youth. Being right there when the Destroyer started blowing up Puente Antiguo had been the biggest AH-HAH moment of her life and she was determined not to waste it. 

Helping Jane and looking out for Erik had been an easy way to start, and it’d been a good path to be on. She felt like she’d made a lot of progress, which made it super-disappointing that she couldn't be completely happy when Sam called with the news that the medical types had cleared him for normal life again.

It was really like 99% happy, so it wasn't like she was a total bitch, but that last one percent wasn’t because she was worried about him going back out to run around with Steve and the rest of the A-Team. That would be understandably disappointing. No, it wasn't anything that defensible. It was because she was acutely aware that normal life with a significant other usually involved more than your basic PG-13 rated making out and it ended up that she really liked not having the S-word hanging over her head. Sam was a good guy and she thought he’d been pretty okay with kissing and cuddling, but she needed to be real about how that couldn't last forever. 

_Selfish_ , she scolded herself mentally, and pulled out her best and brightest voice (because, goddamn it, she _was_ happy that Sam was healthy again.) “Yeah, definitely,” she said into her phone. “A world-class celebration is called for. Tonight,” she finished firmly.

“The Captain is in town,” Sam said. “If it’s okay by you, Im’a drag his mopey ass out with us.”

“Sure,” Darcy answered, hoping like she didn't sound as relieved as she (shamefully) was. If Steve was with them, there was virtually no chance things would start building toward anything serious, at least not until he went home. “We can go up to Ted’s Bulletin and see how many milkshakes you two can drink.”

“You just want to taste all the flavors,” Sam said, laughing at her.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Darcy was super-happy to keep up the banter. “It’s our civic duty to introduce Captain America to the joys of flavors that aren’t chocolate and vanilla.”

“If that’s true, you’re in line for a Congressional Medal of Honor,” Sam told her.

"I do what I can," Darcy answered, pretty happy with how she managed to sound airy and unconcerned. Sam gave her that look (she could totally tell that was what he was doing even over the phone) he saved for the crazy people in his life (usually Steve so Darcy was in excellent company) and told her they'd be by to get her at six.

That gave Darcy four hours to get her act together and be ready to celebrate with her guy. She went into the ladies room and gave herself a stern look in the mirror. Now was not the time to be a neurotic freak, she told herself. Now was the time to skip out for the rest of the afternoon and find the perfect lipstick, one that would leave kiss-prints all over his face. She let all of the horrible memories of the week he got shot out of the metaphorical box she'd shut them up in and reminded herself that it wasn't all that long ago that she was scared this day wasn't going to come.

She took three deep breaths and went to tell Jane she was taking a couple of hours off. It was a party, and she was all over it.

x - x - x

She was actually all over it, at least at first. It was easy to be excited and happy when Sam was standing tall, cracking back and forth with Steve about how the team was going to need somebody new to sit in the control room and keep an eye on everything because _The Falcon Is Back, Baby_. Steve--who (of course) had been blaming himself for the whole mess-up that sent Sam into the alley in the first place—was about as relaxed as Darcy had ever seen him. He let Sam needle him about his lack of game with the ladies-- _or the dudes, I'm not assuming_ , Sam said--and ate his way agreeably through about half the menu. Darcy's lipstick quest had been an unqualified success and while Sam might have been able to get most of it off his face (his cheekbones were like flipping catnip, Darcy couldn't help herself) she'd managed to get a nice spot on the collar of his shirt, a beautiful smudge of red on the crisp white that said _Taken, Hands Off_.

The night also might have included an adult beverage or three, just enough to make everything all pleasant and soft-edged. It was a celebration and Darcy knew she’d gone into work with worse hangovers than a couple of Cosmos would give her (she was not ordinarily a fan of frillery drinks, but since Cosmos were mostly just vodka, they definitely weren't wuss drinks, plus it entertained her excessively when her tough-guy Avenger accepted her offer to share and she got to watch him lick the pink sugar off the rim of the glass.)

Steve bailed on them around ten. Sam snickered and said, “Yeah, no, man, I know it’s double-digits, past your bedtime,” and Steve straight-up smirked right back and told him, “Vacation’s over--I’ll be seeing you at five so I can lap you a couple of times before I go back up to the compound.” Sam groaned and laid his head back against the booth they were all sitting in, Steve smirked even bigger, and it was all just too cute, Darcy thought.

“We could call it a night, too,” Darcy offered, but Sam shook his head.

“He’s gonna run my ass into the ground no matter what,” he said. “I can at least spend a little time on the dance floor with my girl,” which is how they ended up club-hopping through the U Street corridor until waaaay past any sensible time, and then dancing home on the Metro, too. 

It was all super-groovy, right up until they were kissing in front of Darcy’s apartment building, Sam spinning her out and back in, laughing that big, gorgeous laugh that she hadn’t seen nearly enough of, and her brain blanked out on everything not right in front of her.

“You should…” She was that close to inviting him up when she remembered that the built-in sex brakes had expired, so to speak, and lost her nerve. She didn’t think it would go that way, but even the risk of having to finish the night off with a big scene freaked her out. She stuttered to a halt, and then finished up lamely, “...take a uber home.” She stared at where his neck curved into shoulder and added, “You should have just let me come home alone.”

After a long pause, Sam said, “Yeah, well, I was having a good time.” He was still smiling when Darcy made herself look up at him, but it was nothing like the one from earlier, and she knew that was all on her. She was so _stupid_ sometimes, she thought, leaning up when he tilted his head toward her, leaning into him kissing her again, a little, light, not-quite peck on her lips. “Too good to be ending it for anything like being practical.”

“It’s not being practical, it’s _taking care of yourself_ ,” Darcy half-snapped, and if she was a little surprised at how sharp she sounded--and really, she was--Sam seemed to take it all in stride, not saying anything, only kissing her one more time before he pulled his phone out, swiping around to find the app, no fuss, no drama, just like always. She sighed and cuddled into him, half to apologize, half looking for reassurance, and he dropped one arm over her shoulders while he scrolled one-handed.

 _Be honest_ , Darcy scolded herself mentally. Quickly, before she freaked out and lost her nerve again, she reached over and covered Sam’s phone with one hand. “Come up,” she said quietly. She flicked her gaze up at him, shrugging a little at the question in his eyes. “‘You should come up.’ That was what I started to say, but I,” she had to take a deep breath, “I didn’t know if the kiss-and-cuddle protocol was still in effect.” 

“Do you want it to be?” Sam was watching her with a careful, guarded look that Darcy wished she could read better. Her brain had gone and committed her to the honesty path, though, so she plowed ahead.

“The short answer is yes,” she answered. She gave him a helpless half-shrug. “The long answer is…”

“Long?” Sam suggested, but his voice is sweet and affectionate, and Darcy felt something unknot inside her so that it was easier to breathe somehow. 

“Duh,” she said with a quick smile. It made it easier to slide into the next part and she kinda loved how he could do that. “I’m not even sure what the long answer is, just that there’s a lot of… _stuff_ that I haven’t been letting myself think about while you were--" _bleeding, in surgery, on a respirator, maybe dying_ "--hurt, and the short answer is about all my brain can deal with right now.” She shook her head at her babbling. 

“Why don’t we keep the-- What did you call it? The kissing--?”

“The kiss-and-cuddle protocol,” Darcy mumbled. She knew it was stupid, but her brain liked to name things.

“Yeah,” Sam said, his smile still not the blinding one from earlier, but real and good nonetheless. “That’s our protocol until we call it off.” 

Darcy knew she shouldn't have doubted him--he'd never given her any reason to think he wasn't exactly what he seemed on the surface--but hearing it in that easy, calm voice that she loved made all the difference.

“Deal,” Darcy said, and let him tug her into one of his amazing hugs.

“I need to ask you something, though,” Sam said, his voice suddenly a lot more quiet and serious. “‘Cause sex isn't the only thing the docs cleared me for.” Darcy tipped her head back and nodded an okay, but didn’t let go. He was quiet for a long few seconds, but contrary to public opinion, Darcy did know how to shut up and listen, so she just held on to him and waited.

“Is that all that's bugging you, or is me going back out with Steve gonna be too much?” Even when he finally got the words out, they came slow and careful, like he really didn’t want to have to say them. 

“It’s scary,” Darcy whispered. She held him tighter. “I hate seeing you hurt.” She thought about the weeks and weeks of hospitals and rehab and blinked back tears, willing her voice to keep steady. “ _Hate_. It. Think, the power-of-a-thousand-suns level of hate.” 

Darcy let go of the hug, but kept hold of his hands, both of them in hers, because the whole being-honest thing was infinitely more scary than it was traditionally cracked up to be and Sam right there with her was the best thing she’d found for not letting the fear take her down.

“I honestly don’t know,” she said, each word as steady and sure as she could make them. “But I walked into this with my eyes open--” Seriously, their first kiss had been in his hospital room, with monitors and IV poles and nurses hovering in the hall; Darcy didn’t think her eyes could have been any more open. “And I promise to keep them that way.”

Sam was holding onto her hands like she might disappear; Darcy tightened her own grip, to make sure he knew she wasn't going anywhere. “You gotta tell me, okay?” he said, low and rushed. “Promise me you will.”

“I will,” Darcy said almost before he finished. “I will, I promise.” This time, the hug was all on her, and if it was less of a hug and more of a half-frantic clutch, Darcy really could care less. She didn't think Sam did either, not from how long he let it go on.

“Um, so,” Darcy said some indeterminate time later. No one had actually said anything to them, but they were standing out on 17th Street, just around the corner from the Safeway--half of the neighborhood had probably walked by during their relationship crisis. Darcy would kinda like to at least conclude it in private. “If I’m not leading you on, you should come up and spend the night and get some sleep, rather than having to figure out how you’re getting back down to Anacostia now.”

“I’m gonna have to get up at some stupid time of the morning to meet Rogers,” Sam warned. 

“I am super-good at rolling over and going right back to sleep,” Darcy promised. He still didn't let her go, which wasn’t helping with the privacy part of the equation, but Darcy figured they’d get there when they got there and she was more than good with that.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Let's Stay Together".
> 
> I always forget to mention this but I'm [](http://topaz119.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**topaz119**](http://topaz119.dreamwidth.org/) (dreamwidth) // [](http://topaz119.livejournal.com/profile)[**topaz119**](http://topaz119.livejournal.com/) (lj) // [](http://topaz119.tumblr.com)[](http://topaz119.tumblr.com)**topaz119** (tumblr) if you want to come say hi!


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